Disclaimer
*The information provided in this article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed mental health professional or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a mental health condition. The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Calm Tree Therapy. Reliance on any information provided in this article is solely at your own risk.
If you and your partner are new to therapy or relationship counseling, you may not be familiar with the term “bids for connection” or how they can impact your relationship. In Dr. John Gottman’s research, bids are small gestures, questions, or attempts made by one partner to connect emotionally or engage with the other. These bids are key moments in a relationship, and how you respond to them can significantly affect the strength and health of your bond.
In this article, we’ll explain what bids are, the three main ways partners can respond to them (turning towards, away, or against), and how learning to respond positively to these bids can deepen your connection.
What Are Bids for Connection?
A bid for connection is any attempt made by one partner to get the attention, affection, or support of the other. It can be as simple as asking, “How was your day?” or reaching out to hold your partner’s hand. A bid can also be a non-verbal cue, like a smile or a touch, or an invitation to engage in a conversation or activity together.
According to Dr. Gottman’s research, these bids are the building blocks of intimacy. Every time one partner makes a bid, they’re signaling a desire to connect, share something, or be noticed. The way the other partner responds to these bids is crucial—it can either strengthen the bond between the two or create emotional distance.
In relationships, the quality of communication and how partners respond to each other’s bids can be a powerful predictor of long-term success. When both partners consistently “turn towards” each other’s bids, the relationship tends to be stronger and more resilient. However, when partners “turn away” or “turn against” each other’s bids, it can lead to feelings of neglect, disconnection, and resentment.
The Three Ways to Respond to a Bid: Turning Towards, Away, or Against
Gottman identified three main ways that partners typically respond to each other’s bids for connection:
Turning Towards: This is the most positive response to a bid. When you “turn towards” your partner’s bid, you acknowledge and engage with their attempt to connect. This might mean stopping what you’re doing to listen to them, making eye contact, or responding positively to their request for affection or attention. Even small gestures like smiling or nodding can communicate that you’re present and engaged.
Example of Turning Towards:
- Partner 1: “I’m feeling really tired today.”
- Partner 2: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it, or just relax together?”
In this example, Partner 2 responds with empathy, acknowledges the bid for connection, and offers a supportive action (either talking or relaxing).
Turning Away: When you “turn away” from a bid, you ignore or fail to respond to your partner’s attempt to connect. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’re intentionally rejecting them, but it’s a subtle way of distancing yourself. You might be preoccupied with something else, distracted, or simply not engaged in the conversation. Over time, turning away from bids can lead to feelings of loneliness and disconnection.
Example of Turning Away:
- Partner 1: “I’m feeling really tired today.”
- Partner 2: [Doesn’t respond, continues watching TV or scrolling through their phone]
In this example, Partner 2’s lack of response signals that they’re not engaging with Partner 1’s bid for connection.
Turning Against: When you “turn against” a bid, you respond with criticism, defensiveness, or rejection. This is a more negative response than turning away, as it often involves dismissing or even attacking your partner’s attempt to connect. Turning against a bid can create tension and hurt feelings, and it can lead to an escalating cycle of conflict.
Example of Turning Against:
- Partner 1: “I’m feeling really tired today.”
- Partner 2: “Well, you’re always tired! Why don’t you ever do anything about it?”
In this example, Partner 2’s response not only dismisses Partner 1’s feelings but also introduces criticism, which may escalate the situation.
Why Responding to Bids Matters
Bids for connection are more than just casual conversations or requests; they’re opportunities to build emotional intimacy and trust. How partners respond to bids has a significant impact on the relationship’s quality. When bids are consistently turned towards, couples feel seen, heard, and supported. This leads to higher levels of satisfaction and emotional connection.
On the other hand, if bids are repeatedly turned away from or against, partners can feel rejected, misunderstood, and unloved. Over time, this can lead to emotional distance and even the breakdown of the relationship.
Gottman’s research has shown that the most successful couples have a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Responding to bids with positive engagement (turning towards) creates a foundation of goodwill that makes it easier to weather inevitable conflicts and challenges.
What to Do About It: Turning Towards Your Partner’s Bids
So, how can you and your partner improve your responses to bids? Here are some practical strategies for “turning towards” each other:
-
- Be Present and Attentive: When your partner makes a bid, make an effort to give them your full attention. Put down your phone, turn off the TV, or close your laptop. Show that you are engaged and available.
-
- Acknowledge Your Partner’s Feelings: When your partner shares something with you, acknowledge their emotions. Even if you don’t fully understand, validating their feelings shows that you’re invested in their experience. For example:
-
- “I can see that you’re feeling frustrated right now.”
-
- “That sounds tough, I’m here for you.”
-
- Acknowledge Your Partner’s Feelings: When your partner shares something with you, acknowledge their emotions. Even if you don’t fully understand, validating their feelings shows that you’re invested in their experience. For example:
-
- Respond with Empathy: Empathetic responses show that you care about your partner’s emotions and experiences. Instead of brushing off their bid, listen attentively and show that you understand. For instance, if your partner shares a frustration, rather than offering a solution right away, you might say:
-
- “I understand why that would make you upset. That sounds really hard.”
-
- Respond with Empathy: Empathetic responses show that you care about your partner’s emotions and experiences. Instead of brushing off their bid, listen attentively and show that you understand. For instance, if your partner shares a frustration, rather than offering a solution right away, you might say:
-
- Make Small Gestures of Affection: Bids don’t always have to be verbal. Small gestures like holding hands, giving a hug, or smiling at your partner can make them feel connected and valued. These small actions are important moments for strengthening emotional bonds.
-
- Responding to Requests for Help: If your partner asks for help, even if it seems minor, respond with willingness and positivity. For example:
-
- Partner 1: “Could you help me pick up the groceries?”
-
- Partner 2: “Of course, I’d be happy to help!”
-
- Responding to Requests for Help: If your partner asks for help, even if it seems minor, respond with willingness and positivity. For example:
-
- Create a Culture of Appreciation: Regularly express appreciation for your partner’s efforts, no matter how small. When you respond to their bids with gratitude and kindness, it fosters a sense of emotional safety and connection in the relationship.
What to Do When You Turn Away or Against
It’s normal to sometimes turn away or against your partner’s bids, especially when you’re stressed, distracted, or upset. However, recognizing this behavior and taking steps to correct it can strengthen your connection.
Apologize and Acknowledge: If you’ve turned away or against a bid, it’s important to apologize. Acknowledge that you missed an opportunity to connect, and reassure your partner that you want to engage more positively next time.
“I’m sorry for not listening earlier. I was distracted, but I really want to hear you now.”
Make an Active Effort: If you realize you’ve been turning away from your partner’s bids, commit to being more mindful. Make an effort to notice their attempts to connect and respond in a positive way.
Seek Understanding: Sometimes, turning away or against a bid happens because of underlying issues—stress, fatigue, or unresolved conflicts. Take the time to reflect on what might be going on and address these issues, either together or with the help of a therapist.
Final Thoughts
Bids for connection are vital moments in your relationship, and how you respond to them can significantly shape your emotional bond with your partner. By consistently turning towards your partner’s bids, you create a foundation of trust, affection, and understanding. Over time, these small gestures can lead to a deeper, more fulfilling connection.
If you’ve noticed yourself or your partner turning away or against each other’s bids, it’s never too late to make a change. With intention, awareness, and practice, you can transform the way you communicate and deepen your emotional intimacy.