If you and your partner are facing the aftermath of an affair, you might feel lost, hurt, and unsure of how to move forward. The discovery of infidelity can create deep emotional pain, and the process of healing may seem overwhelming. However, Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in relationship research, offers a helpful framework for couples in the aftermath of an affair. This approach, known as the Affair Protocol, focuses on three key steps: Atone, Attach, and Attune. These steps guide couples through the emotional and relational recovery process, helping rebuild trust, communication, and emotional connection.
In this article, we’ll explain each step of the Affair Protocol and offer insights into how you and your partner can begin the journey of healing after infidelity.
The Affair Protocol: A Path to Healing and Rebuilding Trust
The Affair Protocol—Atone, Attach, and Attune—is a framework Dr. Gottman developed based on decades of research in relationship dynamics. The protocol emphasizes the importance of both partners working together to repair the damage caused by the affair and to rebuild a healthy, trusting relationship. While the process may take time and effort, it provides a structured approach to guide couples toward healing.
Let’s break down each step of the Affair Protocol and explain how they can help you and your partner move forward.
1. Atone: Acknowledging the Hurt and Taking Responsibility
The first step in the Affair Protocol is Atone, which means acknowledging the betrayal and taking full responsibility for the affair. This step is crucial because healing cannot begin until the partner who cheated fully recognizes the pain and devastation caused by their actions.
Why Atonement Matters:
Atonement involves the partner who had the affair being honest about what happened, showing genuine remorse, and understanding the deep emotional impact it has had on their partner. Without atonement, it’s difficult for the hurt partner to process their feelings and begin rebuilding trust.
Here’s what this step typically involves:
- Acknowledging the Affair: The partner who cheated needs to openly admit what happened, without defensiveness or minimizing the situation. This is not about explaining away the behavior but about recognizing that the affair was harmful to the relationship. Example: “I’m so sorry for what I did. I betrayed your trust, and I know that my actions hurt you deeply.”
- Expressing Remorse: True remorse means feeling sorry for the pain caused—not just for getting caught. The partner who cheated must demonstrate empathy and regret for their actions and how those actions impacted their partner’s emotional well-being.Example: “I understand that I’ve shattered your trust, and I can see how my actions have caused you a lot of emotional pain. I wish I could undo it.”
- Taking Responsibility: It’s important that the partner who had the affair takes full responsibility for their actions, without blaming the hurt partner or external circumstances. Blaming the relationship, the partner, or life stressors only prevents healing. Example: “No matter what happened in our relationship, I made a choice to betray you. That was wrong, and I’m fully responsible for that.”
By atoning, the partner who cheated begins the process of making amends and showing that they understand the depth of the hurt. This step also signals to the partner who was hurt that they are not being blamed or dismissed.
2. Attach: Rebuilding Trust and Emotional Connection
Once atonement is made, the next step in the Affair Protocol is Attach. This phase is about rebuilding the emotional bond and trust that was broken. Rebuilding trust takes time, and it requires both partners to be open to deep emotional vulnerability.
Why Attachment is Crucial:
For the hurt partner, trust has been severely damaged, and they may feel disconnected, unsure, or fearful of the relationship moving forward. Attachment refers to rebuilding that emotional safety and closeness by showing through consistent actions that the relationship can be rebuilt.
Here’s what attaching in this context looks like:
- Rebuilding Trust: The partner who cheated must show through their actions that they are committed to the relationship and to restoring trust. This includes being transparent, avoiding secrecy, and making promises to avoid any further betrayal. Example: “I’m going to be fully open with you from now on. If you ever have questions, I will answer honestly.”
- Consistency in Behavior: Trust is rebuilt through reliable actions over time. The partner who had the affair must prove, through consistent behavior, that they are trustworthy and dedicated to healing the relationship. Example: Regularly following through on promises and consistently being available emotionally helps rebuild trust.
- Reconnecting Emotionally: During this phase, both partners need to work on emotionally reconnecting and rediscovering the bond that brought them together. This involves spending quality time together, engaging in vulnerable conversations, and expressing affection. Example: “I want to work on us. Let’s spend some time together this weekend, just the two of us.”
The goal of the Attach phase is to make the hurt partner feel safe and supported again. It’s about gradually rebuilding emotional intimacy and reinforcing the idea that both partners are invested in the relationship.
3. Attune: Deepening Emotional Understanding and Communication
The final step in the Affair Protocol is Attune, which means developing a deeper emotional understanding and improving communication. This phase focuses on re-establishing emotional connection and ensuring that both partners are able to communicate effectively and empathetically.
Why Attunement is Important:
Once atonement and attachment have begun, the relationship needs to continue growing. Attuning to each other’s emotions means being in tune with your partner’s needs, feelings, and desires, and responding with empathy and understanding. It’s about ensuring that both partners feel heard, understood, and valued.
Here’s how attunement works in this context:
- Active Listening: Attunement involves being an active listener and responding to your partner’s feelings and needs. The hurt partner may need to express their pain, frustration, or fear multiple times, and the partner who cheated must listen without becoming defensive or dismissive. Example: “I understand that you’re feeling hurt and angry right now. I hear you, and I’m committed to doing better.”
- Empathy and Compassion: Both partners need to empathize with each other. The hurt partner must be able to share their feelings openly, while the partner who had the affair needs to be compassionate and validate those emotions. Example: “I can’t imagine how painful this must be for you, and I’m so sorry for the hurt I’ve caused.”
- Conflict Resolution: Learning how to resolve conflicts in a healthy, productive way is key to attuning to each other. This involves being mindful of each other’s triggers, avoiding blame, and working together to find solutions that meet both partners’ needs. Example: “Let’s talk about this issue calmly. I want to understand how we can make things better for both of us.”
- Intimacy and Connection: Attunement also involves nurturing intimacy in the relationship—both emotional and physical. This can include affectionate gestures, deeper conversations, and a renewed commitment to meeting each other’s emotional needs. Example: “I’m grateful that we’re talking more openly and spending time together again. It means a lot to me.”
Moving Forward: Rebuilding Your Relationship
Healing from an affair is a process that requires time, commitment, and patience. The Affair Protocol (Atone, Attach, Attune) offers a structured approach to guide couples through the recovery process. By acknowledging the pain caused by the affair (Atone), rebuilding trust and emotional connection (Attach), and deepening your emotional understanding and communication (Attune), couples can begin to repair the relationship and rebuild their bond.
It’s important to remember that the journey of healing after an affair is unique to each couple, and there will likely be challenges along the way. However, with dedication to the process and a shared willingness to work through the difficulties, it’s possible to create a stronger, more resilient relationship moving forward.
If you and your partner are struggling with the aftermath of an affair, consider seeking support from a qualified therapist trained in Gottman’s methods. They can guide you through the Affair Protocol and offer additional tools to help you rebuild trust and emotional intimacy.