Disclaimer
*The information provided in this article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed mental health professional or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a mental health condition. The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Calm Tree Therapy. Reliance on any information provided in this article is solely at your own risk.
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an argument with your partner and wondered, “Why can’t we just move past this?” Or maybe you feel stuck in the same disagreement, over and over again, with no resolution in sight. These experiences are incredibly common in relationships, and understanding the dynamics behind them can be life-changing. Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, offers a powerful framework for understanding why some conflicts seem easier to resolve while others feel like they’ll never go away.
Solvable vs. Unsolvable Problems
Dr. Gottman’s research identifies two main types of problems in relationships: solvable problems and unsolvable (or perpetual) problems.
Solvable Problems
Solvable problems are issues that can be resolved with open communication, compromise, and sometimes practical solutions. These problems tend to be situational and don’t tap into deeper emotional needs or values. For example:
- Deciding who will do the dishes tonight.
- Agreeing on a budget for the month.
- Choosing which movie to watch on date night.
When couples handle solvable problems, they focus on specific solutions, like creating schedules, negotiating compromises, or addressing misunderstandings. These conflicts don’t linger as long as both partners are willing to work together.
Unsolvable (Perpetual) Problems
In contrast, unsolvable problems stem from fundamental differences in personality, values, or life goals. These issues aren’t about simple fixes; they reflect core aspects of who each partner is. Common examples include:
- One partner values spontaneity, while the other prefers structure and planning.
- Differences in religious or cultural beliefs.
- Divergent views on raising children or managing family dynamics.
According to Dr. Gottman’s research, up to 69% of conflicts in relationships are perpetual problems. This means they are unlikely to ever fully go away because they are rooted in deeper aspects of each partner’s identity and worldview. The goal with these issues isn’t to resolve them entirely but to manage them in a way that feels respectful and constructive.
The Danger of Gridlock
When unsolvable problems aren’t managed well, they can lead to gridlock: a state where couples feel stuck, frustrated, and emotionally disconnected. Gridlock often happens when both partners dig in their heels, refusing to compromise or empathize. This can look like:
- Rehashing the same argument with no progress.
- Feeling increasingly distant or resentful toward each other.
- Avoiding the topic altogether because it feels too painful or explosive to address.
Gridlock isn’t just frustrating; it can erode trust and intimacy over time. The good news? With the right tools and guidance, couples can learn how to navigate even the most entrenched conflicts.
What Healthy Conflict Looks Like
Dr. Gottman’s research shows that the healthiest couples don’t necessarily avoid conflict altogether. Instead, they approach their disagreements with curiosity, kindness, and a willingness to understand their partner’s perspective. Here’s how they manage both solvable and unsolvable problems:
- Open Communication: Expressing feelings and needs without blame or criticism.
- Compromise: Finding solutions that honor both partners’ needs for solvable problems.
- Respectful Dialogue: Discussing unsolvable issues with empathy and patience, even if no immediate solution is possible.
- Repair Attempts: Making an effort to de-escalate tension with humor, affection, or apologies when needed.
- Focusing on the Positive: Remembering why you love and value each other, even during conflict.
Is Your Relationship Stuck?
If you and your partner are experiencing gridlock or struggling to communicate about recurring problems, you’re not alone. Every couple faces challenges, but you don’t have to navigate them on your own. Relationship therapy can help you:
- Understand the root causes of your conflicts.
- Develop skills to communicate more effectively.
- Learn how to manage perpetual problems without letting them derail your connection.
- Rekindle the intimacy and trust that brought you together in the first place.
Take the First Step
You deserve a relationship that feels fulfilling and supportive. If you’re ready to move past gridlock and build a stronger, healthier connection, consider reaching out for professional guidance. Therapy can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to explore your challenges and discover new ways to grow together.
Don’t wait for conflict to take a toll on your relationship. Take the first step toward healing and understanding today. Reach out to a qualified couples therapist and start your journey toward a happier, more connected partnership.