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*The information provided in this article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed mental health professional or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a mental health condition. The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Calm Tree Therapy. Reliance on any information provided in this article is solely at your own risk.
If you and your partner are new to therapy, you may have heard the term “Four Horsemen” but aren’t sure what it means. Don’t worry—you’re not alone! The Four Horsemen is a concept developed by Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading researchers in relationships. These “horsemen” are four negative communication patterns that can predict relationship breakdowns, and learning to identify them is one of the first steps to improving communication and connection in your relationship.
In this article, we’ll explain what the Four Horsemen are, how they can harm your relationship, and what you can do to prevent them from taking over your interactions.
What Are the Four Horsemen?
The Four Horsemen are a metaphor used by Dr. Gottman to describe four common negative behaviors that can appear in relationships. They are:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
Each of these behaviors, when practiced repeatedly, can create emotional distance between partners, lead to misunderstandings, and make conflict resolution difficult. They are seen as “horsemen” because they are powerful and destructive—they can predict the end of a relationship if not addressed.
1. Criticism
Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character or personality rather than addressing a specific behavior or situation. It’s different from a complaint, which focuses on something your partner did or didn’t do. Criticism tends to sound like personal attacks, and it often involves phrases like:
- “You never care about what I want.”
- “You always act so selfish.”
This kind of language can make your partner feel hurt, defensive, or worthless, rather than opening up a productive conversation about what went wrong. It makes it harder for your partner to hear you and respond in a constructive way.
How to Manage Criticism:
Instead of focusing on your partner’s character, express your feelings using “I” statements that describe your feelings and needs without blaming. For example:
- Instead of: “You never listen to me!”
- Try: “I feel ignored when I try to share something important, and I would love it if you could pay more attention.”
2. Contempt
Contempt is the most damaging of the Four Horsemen. It’s when one partner treats the other with disrespect, mockery, sarcasm, or disdain. Contempt can include behaviors like rolling your eyes, using a mocking tone, or belittling your partner. This behavior conveys a sense of superiority and can be very hurtful. For example:
- “Oh, here we go again with your excuses!”
- “I can’t believe how clueless you are.”
Contempt undermines trust and can erode the foundation of a relationship over time. When contempt is present, it’s hard for either partner to feel safe or valued.
How to Manage Contempt:
To combat contempt, focus on building respect and appreciation for your partner. Take time to express gratitude for the things they do well, and make an effort to respond to their needs with kindness. Reframing your thoughts to focus on the positive aspects of your partner can help shift your perspective.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is when one partner reacts to criticism by denying responsibility, making excuses, or shifting the blame. Instead of addressing the issue, they deflect, which prevents any real conversation or resolution. For example:
- “It’s not my fault you’re upset—I was just trying to help!”
- “Well, if you didn’t do X, I wouldn’t have done Y.”
Defensiveness can escalate conflict, as it makes the other person feel unheard and invalidated. Rather than working together to solve the problem, defensiveness leads to more arguments and frustration.
How to Manage Defensiveness:
Instead of defending yourself, try to take responsibility for your part in the situation—even if it’s just a small part. You can say something like:
- “I understand why you’re upset, and I’m sorry for how my actions made you feel.”
- “Let me listen to your side, and we can figure this out together.”
This approach can reduce tension and open the door for productive conversations.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner shuts down emotionally and physically withdraws from the conversation. They may avoid eye contact, stop responding, or simply refuse to engage. This can leave the other partner feeling abandoned or rejected, as though the relationship is no longer a priority. For example:
- “I’m not going to talk about this anymore.”
- Silence, ignoring, or walking away from the conversation.
Stonewalling is often a response to feeling overwhelmed or emotionally flooded. It can make it difficult to resolve conflicts, as communication stops altogether.
How to Manage Stonewalling:
If you notice yourself or your partner stonewalling, it’s important to take a break before things escalate too much. Stepping away from the conversation for a short time (15–20 minutes) allows both of you to cool down and collect your thoughts. Once you’re both calm, come back together to discuss the issue with a clearer mind. This practice of self-soothing helps prevent emotions from taking over.
Why Are the Four Horsemen So Dangerous?
The Four Horsemen are harmful because they create a negative cycle of interaction. When one partner engages in any of these behaviors, the other person often responds with one of the other Horsemen, creating a downward spiral of conflict. Over time, these negative interactions can make both partners feel disconnected, unloved, and misunderstood.
If these patterns continue, it can lead to emotional distance, resentment, and even the breakdown of the relationship. That’s why learning to recognize and stop the Four Horsemen is so important for any couple—especially in therapy.
How Can the Gottman Method Help?
The Gottman Method provides strategies and tools to replace the Four Horsemen with healthier, more productive ways of communicating. For example, instead of criticizing, couples are taught to express their needs in a non-blaming way. Instead of contempt, they focus on expressing respect and admiration for each other. Instead of being defensive, couples learn to accept responsibility and acknowledge each other’s feelings.
In therapy, you’ll learn how to recognize these patterns early and replace them with strategies that promote respect, connection, and understanding. With practice, couples can shift away from these destructive patterns and start building a stronger, more supportive relationship.
Final Thoughts
The Four Horsemen may sound dramatic, but they are very real patterns that many couples face at some point. The good news is that by understanding them and learning how to change these behaviors, you can drastically improve your relationship. If you’re new to therapy, the Gottman Method offers practical tools that can help you stop the cycle of negativity and start fostering a more loving, supportive, and connected relationship.
By recognizing these patterns early and making a commitment to change, you and your partner can build a healthier foundation for your relationship. Therapy is a safe place to learn these skills and take proactive steps toward creating a stronger, more fulfilling partnership.