Infidelity in a relationship can be a devastating experience, often leading to feelings of confusion, betrayal, and emotional turmoil. While many might expect these emotions, some couples might be surprised to learn that the betrayed partner can experience something that closely resembles Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is not just a reaction to the affair itself, but a complex emotional and psychological process that can take a significant toll on the individual and the relationship.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship researcher, has studied couples for over 40 years, analyzing the dynamics of relationships and how couples cope with challenges like infidelity. His research provides valuable insight into the PTSD-like response that many betrayed partners face after discovering an affair.
What Is PTSD-Like Response?
PTSD is a mental health condition triggered by experiencing or witnessing traumatic events. While PTSD is most commonly associated with war veterans or survivors of violent events, its symptoms can also appear in situations like infidelity. For a partner who has been betrayed, discovering an affair often shatters their world, creating feelings of emotional numbness, panic, anxiety, and hypervigilance — much like what a PTSD sufferer might experience.
The betrayed partner might experience intrusive thoughts about the affair, flashbacks to moments of betrayal, or even nightmares. Just like someone with PTSD, they might feel as though they’re constantly “on guard,” searching for signs of further betrayal or dishonesty in the relationship. This heightened emotional state can result in irritability, mood swings, feelings of helplessness, and even a sense of dissociation from reality.
The Betrayal Trauma
According to Dr. Gottman’s research, when one partner cheats, the consequences go far beyond just the affair itself. Betrayal fundamentally challenges the trust and emotional security within the relationship. In his research, Dr. Gottman identifies trust as the bedrock of a healthy relationship — when this trust is shattered, the impact is deep and long-lasting.
The betrayed partner often feels that their entire view of their relationship and their partner has been upended. This can lead to an overwhelming emotional crisis where the partner questions everything — their judgment, their sense of reality, and even their own worth. In many ways, it’s as if their safety net has been pulled out from under them, leaving them feeling vulnerable and exposed.
The Emotional Aftershock
When an affair is discovered, the betrayed partner often experiences a mix of intense emotions, including anger, sadness, disbelief, and anxiety. But beyond these initial reactions, the emotional aftershock can be similar to what one might experience after a traumatic event. Dr. Gottman’s research shows that betrayal often triggers an intense emotional flood, overwhelming the individual’s ability to process what has happened. This flood can lead to what many refer to as a PTSD-like reaction.
The betrayed partner may experience:
- Flashbacks – Constantly reliving the discovery of the affair, sometimes with intrusive thoughts about the details, leaving them feeling stuck in the past.
- Hypervigilance – A heightened state of awareness, where the betrayed partner is constantly on the lookout for any signs of further dishonesty or betrayal.
- Avoidance – Some may withdraw emotionally from their partner or avoid conversations about the affair altogether, unable to face the overwhelming emotions tied to the betrayal.
- Heightened Anxiety or Depression – Many feel an intense sense of insecurity or hopelessness, not only about their partner but about their ability to trust others moving forward.
- Flashbacks and Nightmares – Memories of the affair or specific moments of betrayal can intrude into their consciousness unexpectedly, disturbing their sleep and daily life.
The Relationship Dynamic: The Impact of Betrayal
Dr. Gottman emphasizes that betrayal in a relationship can cause a ripple effect, impacting both partners and the dynamic between them. The betrayed partner, in particular, often finds themselves struggling to make sense of the betrayal while also trying to manage the emotional chaos it creates. But it’s not just about emotions; the physical and relational aspects of the relationship are also deeply affected.
The betrayed partner may feel as though they cannot trust their partner, even though they may long to restore the relationship. This mistrust can be exacerbated by feelings of shame or guilt that the unfaithful partner may experience, which can prevent meaningful communication. Dr. Gottman’s research shows that couples who face betrayal often enter a cycle of defensiveness and withdrawal, where both partners struggle to connect in a healthy way.
How to Heal the Trauma of Betrayal
Dr. Gottman’s research provides a framework for healing in the wake of betrayal, though it’s a long and often painful process.
Here are some strategies that can help a betrayed partner work through the trauma-like symptoms and rebuild their relationship:
- Acknowledge the Trauma: It’s important for the betrayed partner to understand that their emotional responses are valid and that what they are feeling is a natural reaction to the betrayal. Seeking professional counseling, such as trauma-informed therapy or couples therapy with a Gottman-trained therapist, can help.
- Open and Honest Communication: The betrayed partner needs clear and consistent communication from the unfaithful partner. Dr. Gottman emphasizes that the rebuilding of trust requires transparency, honesty, and a commitment to open dialogue about the affair.
- Focus on Emotional Safety: Both partners must work toward creating a safe emotional environment where the betrayed partner can express their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment or dismissal. Emotional safety is crucial for healing.
- Rebuilding Trust: For healing to happen, the unfaithful partner must take responsibility for their actions and work to demonstrate through consistent, trustworthy behavior that they can be relied upon. Trust rebuilding takes time, and it’s essential for the betrayed partner to be given space to heal at their own pace.
- Self-Care and Support: Both partners should also prioritize their own self-care, seeking individual therapy, reaching out to friends and family for support, and engaging in activities that promote emotional healing.
Moving Forward Together
While healing after infidelity is undoubtedly challenging, Dr. Gottman’s research shows that couples can recover and even strengthen their relationship if both partners are committed to the process. The betrayed partner’s PTSD-like reaction is a sign of the deep pain and emotional injury caused by betrayal, and this should be respected by both parties as they work through the complex emotional landscape of recovery.
The journey toward healing requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to be vulnerable. By addressing the trauma-like symptoms and using tools like those found in Gottman’s approach to relationships, couples can move from betrayal to a renewed sense of connection and trust. Although the road to recovery can be long and difficult, it is possible for couples to emerge stronger and more connected, with a deeper understanding of one another.
In summary, the PTSD-like reaction to infidelity is a real and painful experience for the betrayed partner. By recognizing this response and using Gottman’s research-backed strategies, couples can begin to understand, heal, and rebuild their relationship over time. The key is to approach healing with patience, open communication, and a commitment to restoring trust and emotional safety.
Take the First Step Toward Healing
If you and your partner are struggling to heal after an affair or betrayal, it’s important to know that you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. The emotional trauma caused by infidelity can feel overwhelming, but with the right support and guidance, recovery is possible. Therapy can help you understand the PTSD-like reactions, rebuild trust, and work toward a healthier, more connected relationship.
Take the first step today by reaching out to us. Our therapists are trained in the Gottman Method and specialize in helping couples heal from betrayal. We’ll work with you to create a safe space where both partners can process their emotions, rebuild trust, and strengthen your bond.
Contact us now to schedule your first session and start the path toward healing. You deserve a relationship built on trust, understanding, and mutual respect. Let’s get started today.