Disclaimer
*The information provided in this article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed mental health professional or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a mental health condition. The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Calm Tree Therapy. Reliance on any information provided in this article is solely at your own risk.
If you and your partner are new to therapy or relationship counseling, you may have heard the term “flooding” but aren’t sure what it means or how it relates to your relationship. Flooding is a concept developed by Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in relationships, and it refers to the overwhelming emotional response one or both partners experience during conflict. Flooding can interfere with healthy communication and problem-solving, and it’s crucial to recognize it and learn how to manage it.
In this article, we’ll explain what flooding is, how to recognize the signs of flooding, and how self-soothing—the antidote to flooding—can help you and your partner navigate difficult conversations and strengthen your relationship.
What Is Flooding?
Flooding occurs when one partner experiences an intense emotional reaction during a conversation or argument, to the point where they feel overwhelmed or unable to think clearly. It’s as if the body is reacting to stress in a way that floods the person with emotions, making it difficult to stay calm, rational, or responsive.
Dr. Gottman describes flooding as a physiological response to stress, where the heart rate and other bodily functions increase. This heightened state of arousal—often referred to as “fight or flight”—makes it hard for the person who is flooded to continue the conversation productively. Instead of hearing or processing what their partner is saying, they might be too focused on their emotional and physical reactions.
When a partner is flooded, they may shut down, raise their voice, or withdraw entirely. This creates a cycle of miscommunication, frustration, and emotional distance.
Signs of Flooding
If you or your partner are experiencing flooding, it can be difficult to recognize in the heat of the moment. However, there are common signs that indicate someone is becoming flooded:
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- Physiological Symptoms: When a person is flooded, their body may react strongly to the emotional situation. Common signs include:
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- Rapid heartbeat or increased pulse
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- Sweaty palms
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- Tightness in the chest
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- Shallow breathing or feeling short of breath
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- An overwhelming sense of panic or anxiety
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- Physiological Symptoms: When a person is flooded, their body may react strongly to the emotional situation. Common signs include:
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- Emotional Overwhelm: The flooded person often feels overcome with emotions. These emotions might include:
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- Anger, frustration, or irritation
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- Sadness or hopelessness
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- Anxiety or fear
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- The urge to “escape” the conversation or situation
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- Emotional Overwhelm: The flooded person often feels overcome with emotions. These emotions might include:
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- Inability to Think Clearly: When flooded, it becomes very difficult to focus on the issue at hand or find solutions. The person might:
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- Feel disconnected from their partner or overwhelmed by the argument.
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- Experience a “rush” of emotions and find it hard to remember the details of the conversation.
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- Feel like they are “shutting down” or being emotionally overwhelmed to the point of not being able to participate.
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- Inability to Think Clearly: When flooded, it becomes very difficult to focus on the issue at hand or find solutions. The person might:
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- Physical Withdrawal: Someone who is flooded might withdraw physically from the situation by:
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- Avoiding eye contact
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- Walking away from the conversation
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- Becoming very quiet or unresponsive (stonewalling)
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- Physical Withdrawal: Someone who is flooded might withdraw physically from the situation by:
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- Escalation of Conflict: When flooding occurs, it’s difficult to stay calm, and small issues can quickly become much larger. Arguments may spiral out of control, with emotions intensifying quickly.
Why Flooding Happens
Flooding usually happens when a conversation or argument becomes too emotionally charged for one or both partners. This could be due to a sensitive topic, unresolved issues from the past, or simply the buildup of stress. In these moments, the emotional reaction can become so intense that the brain’s fight-or-flight response kicks in. This response was originally designed to help humans survive dangerous situations, but in a relationship context, it can hinder productive conversation and understanding.
Flooding is often triggered by specific phrases, topics, or even facial expressions that feel threatening to one partner. These triggers can activate a cascade of emotions that makes it hard to focus on the conversation, which is why it’s important to recognize it early.
The Antidote to Flooding: Self-Soothing
So, what can you and your partner do to handle flooding when it occurs? The key is to practice self-soothing. Self-soothing refers to calming yourself down and bringing your emotional and physiological state back to a level where you can think clearly and engage in productive communication.
Dr. Gottman emphasizes that self-soothing is an essential tool for managing intense emotions during arguments and conversations. When you’re flooded, it’s difficult to respond thoughtfully or respectfully to your partner, so taking a break and practicing self-soothing can help you both return to the conversation in a calmer, more focused state.
How to Practice Self-Soothing
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- Take a Break: If you notice signs of flooding, it’s important to take a brief break from the conversation. You can say something like:
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- “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. Can we take a short break and come back to this in 20 minutes?”
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- “I need to step away for a few minutes to calm down. I’ll be back shortly.”
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- Take a Break: If you notice signs of flooding, it’s important to take a brief break from the conversation. You can say something like:
Taking a break helps to reduce the physiological arousal that comes with flooding and gives both partners the time to calm down. Set a time limit for the break (e.g., 15-20 minutes) so that the conversation can resume before things get too distant or unresolved.
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- Practice Deep Breathing: Focus on your breath to help calm your nervous system. Deep breathing helps reduce heart rate and can help bring your body out of the “fight-or-flight” state. Try inhaling deeply for four counts, holding your breath for four counts, and exhaling for four counts.
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- Use Relaxation Techniques: In addition to breathing, you can use other relaxation methods, such as:
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- Progressive muscle relaxation (tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups)
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- Mindful meditation to clear your thoughts and calm your mind
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- Use Relaxation Techniques: In addition to breathing, you can use other relaxation methods, such as:
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- Self-Compassion: Flooding can trigger feelings of guilt or frustration, but it’s important to practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that it’s normal to have emotional reactions, and that taking care of your emotions in healthy ways is an important part of communication.
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- Grounding Techniques: Use grounding exercises to reconnect with your surroundings and bring your mind back to the present moment. For example, you might:
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- Focus on the sensation of your feet on the ground.
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- Hold an object in your hand and pay attention to how it feels.
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- Grounding Techniques: Use grounding exercises to reconnect with your surroundings and bring your mind back to the present moment. For example, you might:
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- Return to the Conversation Calmly: Once you’ve self-soothed and feel ready, return to the conversation with a calm and open mindset. Acknowledge that you needed a break, and thank your partner for giving you space. Then, focus on calmly expressing your feelings and listening to your partner’s perspective.
How Self-Soothing Helps Your Relationship
By practicing self-soothing, you can break the cycle of flooding and prevent emotional escalation. This not only helps you maintain your own emotional balance, but it also allows your partner to feel heard and respected, which strengthens the emotional connection between you both.
Self-soothing can also help build trust in the relationship. When you’re able to manage intense emotions in healthy ways, you demonstrate to your partner that you are capable of handling conflict without falling into destructive patterns. This fosters a safe environment where both partners can communicate openly and work through difficult issues together.
Final Thoughts
Flooding is a natural part of human emotions, but it doesn’t have to take control of your relationship. By recognizing the signs of flooding and practicing self-soothing, you and your partner can stay connected, calm, and clear-headed during difficult moments. The Gottman Method provides tools and strategies to help couples navigate these emotional challenges, creating healthier communication patterns and a deeper, more fulfilling connection.
Remember, it’s okay to take a break and care for your emotional well-being. Self-soothing allows both of you to return to the conversation with a clearer mind, ready to listen, understand, and work together as a team.