Stress is a part of life, but how couples handle it together can make or break their emotional connection. Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, introduced the Stress-Reducing Conversation—a powerful tool designed to help partners support each other without falling into problem-solving mode.
By having regular, non-judgmental conversations about external stress (work, family, health, etc.), couples can build a safe emotional space, strengthen their bond, and feel truly heard. Let’s explore how to practice this conversation, the active listening skills that make it effective, and a simple assignment to help you get started.
What Is the Stress-Reducing Conversation?
The Stress-Reducing Conversation is a structured way for couples to talk about outside stress—things that are not related to their relationship (e.g., a tough day at work, family conflicts, personal struggles). The goal is emotional support, not advice or fixing the problem.
This conversation is meant to:
✔ Help each partner feel heard and understood
✔ Reduce stress through empathy and validation
✔ Strengthen emotional intimacy
What It Is NOT About:
❌ Solving the problem
❌ Giving advice (unless asked)
❌ Criticizing or minimizing feelings
❌ Bringing up relationship conflicts
How to Practice a Stress-Reducing Conversation
Step 1: Set the Right Conditions
- Find a calm time when you can talk without distractions.
- Decide who will share first and who will listen first.
- The listener’s goal is to offer support, not solutions.
Step 2: Use Active Listening Skills
Dr. Gottman emphasizes active listening as the key to emotional connection. This means pay attention and be interested in what your partner is saying to you. Here’s how to do it:
Show Genuine Interest
Give your partner your full attention—put away your phone, make eye contact, and use body language that says, “I’m here with you.”
Example:
Partner: “I had the worst meeting today. My boss completely ignored my ideas.”
You: “That sounds really frustrating. Tell me more about what happened.”
Validate Their Feelings
Validation means acknowledging your partner’s emotions without judging them. Let them know it’s okay to feel the way they do.
Example:
“That makes total sense. I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes.”
Express Empathy
Try to put yourself in their situation and express understanding.
Example:
“That must have been so discouraging. I can see why that upset you.”
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Instead of responding with quick “yes” or “no” answers, ask thoughtful questions that encourage deeper sharing.
Examples:
- “What was the hardest part about that for you?”
- “How did that make you feel?”
- “What do you think you need right now?”
Offer Support, Not Solutions
It’s natural to want to fix things for your partner, but this conversation isn’t about solving problems—it’s about being there for them. If they want advice, they’ll ask.
Example:
Instead of: “You should just tell your boss off next time.”
Say: “That sounds really tough. I’m here for you—what would help you feel better right now?”
Express Appreciation
End the conversation by showing appreciation for your partner opening up to you.
Example:
“I love that you share these things with me. I’m always here for you.”
Your Assignment: Try a 10-Minute Stress-Reducing Conversation
Over the next few days, set aside 10 minutes to practice this conversation with your partner.
How to Do It:
- Choose a calm moment (not when you’re rushed or stressed).
- One partner shares about a stressful situation outside the relationship.
- The other partner practices active listening (no problem-solving!).
- Switch roles.
Reflection Questions:
Afterward, discuss:
- How did it feel to be truly heard?
- What was helpful?
- What can we do to make this a regular habit?
By practicing this daily or weekly, you’ll create a relationship where both of you feel emotionally supported and deeply connected—even in life’s most stressful moments.